


pardon me for yelling i'm telling you green gardens are not what's growing in my psyche

by secretly_a_savior



Series: tie a noose around your mind (loose enough to breathe) tie it like a leash around a tree, tell it 'you belong to me' [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Firsts, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Intrusive Thoughts, Kazuichi has ASD, Kazuichi has PTSD, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 21:52:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretly_a_savior/pseuds/secretly_a_savior
Summary: "My Four Dark Devas of Destruction and I concur that you are not well based on your actions today. It is unlike you to be so.... soft-spoken. And you have been ignoring my attempts at electronic communication for quite some time. " He glanced aside and noticed his boyfriend’s phone still buzzing away on the floor with notification reminders.It occured to Souda that Gundham was struggling with his words- he was being quieter than usual, and speaking slower too. He tended to drop some of the verbosity when he was trying to express his feelings, which didn't happen often."I'm fine, I'm just a little anxious, is all. Got a lot on my mind." The pink-haired boy replied, running a hand through his hair to tame it before receding back into the covers rather dramatically.





	pardon me for yelling i'm telling you green gardens are not what's growing in my psyche

**Author's Note:**

> GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO PUBLISH AGAIN  
> DID Y'ALL MISS ME? I WAS ONLY GONE FOR ALL OF 2018  
>  **this was beta read by the ever lovely snoopsmcbee**
> 
> Of course many of you follow me on Tumblr, so like, I wasn't gone I was just off being edgy elsewhere. Freshman year of college was rough, y'all. But I missed y'all. Also, I've been writing my book so fanfiction obviously took the backburner- alas, here I am again. I've been trying to push SOMETHING out for weeeeks. The amount of Komahina/Naegami/Leon Kuwata x Literally Everyone fics I have sitting around half-finished is fucking stupid. Of course I also have One Direction, Hamilton, and Community drafts laying around everywhere.
> 
> Anyway, I'm back into Dangan Ronpa in a big way.  
> I based Kazuichi's symptoms/diagnoses on my own. I also have Bipolar disorder but I don't really see him having that. EASILY autism spectrum & post traumatic though. 
> 
> As always, in texts, "I" means incoming, "O" means outgoing.

Kazuichi Souda liked to play things off. He was always hiding _something-_ be it immediately burying a joke that didn't land or acting like his anxiety just didn't exist. It was harder, sometimes, though. Like today. Explaining things away was his passion.

Intrusive thoughts were his worst enemy, and boy were they on his case today. They made it incredibly difficult to just act like things were okay.

 _This is all a joke. Gundham doesn't actually like you. He's playing you._  
_You haven’t slept in days. You look like you’re on drugs, you freak._  
_Your dad is right. You're not worth shit. Go home already there's nothing "Ultimate" about you._  
_Everybody fucking hates you. Even Teruteru thinks you're weird._  
_He's gonna find out you're fucking crazy and leave you._

Thoughts like that played constantly in his head. His mind felt like it was floating above him, just out of reach of his control. This often happened, but it was even worse now that he'd found himself in an incredibly unlikely relationship. He pictured himself at this point in his time at Hope's Peak Academy with Sonia Nevermind on his arm, confident and happy and finally free of the mental illness that seemed to plague him. Sonia had other ideas though, asking both Gundham and Souda on an incredibly romantic-sounding date on the same night, and then revealing that the date was not with her. It was between the two rivals, and she'd already paid so if they left she'd hate both of them forever.

They planned on escaping as soon as Sonia left, but quickly spotted Hajime, Nagito, and one of the underclassman boys- Leon, maybe?- at a booth across the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous, most likely planted by Sonia to keep watch. Much to Souda's surprise, Gundham cleaned up quite well, and the two hit it off unexpectedly. The new joke was that Sonia was, in fact, the Super High School Level matchmaker.

Never in his life did he imagine that he'd be on Gundham Tanaka's arm, still inflicted with absolute terror at every little thing that didn't go his way. It was, however, unreasonable to expect that a relationship would fix all of his problems when not even Prozac and Ritalin could. He knew that, but he didn't think it would open up an entirely new can of worms.

Hajime, Kazuichi, Gundham, Akane, Nidai, and, unfortunately, Nagito, were all sat around a table eating lunch. The Ultimate Mechanic just played with his food absentmindedly while the others droned on about some school dance or something. Usually, he'd be sat next to Gundham, but today he forced a degree of separation. Tanaka wasn't all that keen on physical affection, but **_all Souda wanted_ ** in the whole world was the warmth of someone else pressed against his whole form. A weight to keep him tied to the ground while he was floating away. He was pulled from his thoughts by a gentle shove on his left side from Hajime Hinata, whom he'd sat next to, taking Nagito's usual spot.

"Hey, earth to Souda." Hajime said. Souda immediately put a mask on, flashing a wide grin and straightening up.

"Sorry! Was lost in thought." he said, taking a bite of his food and maybe-unconvincingly pretending to enjoy it, as if his body wasn't trying to reject it with full force.

He looked over to his boyfriend who looked troubled. He opened his mouth to say something and then instead looked at his lap, most likely using his mobile phone under the table.

"We asked you a question- like... nine times." Hajime said, cocking his head.

"Oh." The mechanic said with a small chuckle. "Well what was it?"

"Have you got any plans for the upcoming school break?" Nekomaru asked, glancing between Souda and Gundham briefly.

"Oh, uh... no. I'm probably gonna-" he paused, swallowing, trying to collect his thoughts, "-stay here." Maybe with everyone gone he could finally get some rest.

This elicited a cacophony of small noises from the others at the table, all confused or shocked that someone would stay on campus for two weeks that they could be spending at home.

"Gonna get some work done, spend time in the electronics lab. No big deal." He said. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached for it, glancing down at the screen.

[i-message; i; **Gundham** ] is everything alright? you seem out of sorts.

He quickly typed a reply before putting it back in the pocket of his jumpsuit.

[i-message; o; **Gundham** ] im fine.

"Well, My Dark Prince-" Gundham started, speaking entirely too loud for Souda's liking in his current state. "- I don't often invite mortals into my cursed dwelling, but if it suits you, you're welcome to spend some time with me. There is an extra bed."

The Ultimate Mechanic gritted his teeth and pulled his hat down further over his hair, embarrassed by the nickname and dismayed by his words. _Great. An extra bed. Can't even be bothered to sleep in the same bed._

‘Dark Prince’ elicited a few chuckles from the table and left Souda’s face hot and red.

"Yeah, haha, maybe, babe." He said half-heartedly in reply. He then stood, excusing himself from the table with some excuse he had forgotten by the time he left his mouth. He flashed his boyfriend a quick smile before exiting towards the dorms. His hands were shaking, and he just wanted to be alone.

That was a lie. He didn't want to be alone, _at all,_ but the thought of bothering Gundham in the slightest and in turn pushing him away was terrifying. He'd rather be uncomfortable in life and secure in his relationship than comfortable in life and terrified of losing the Animal Breeder.

As soon as he reached his dorm he turned on some music that was entirely too loud to drown out his own thoughts and jumped into bed- shoes and overclothes included- piling every sheet, blanket, pillow and stuffed animal he could find atop his body, trying to gain some sort of pressure that would comfort him. He could tell he was moments away from dissociating entirely when his phone buzzed. He adjusted himself so he could actually reach it and look at it and groaned. It wasn't even Gundham.

[i-message; i; **don't answer** ] Hello, Kazuichi. Hope I'm not bothering you too much. Me and Fuyuhiko are going to grab some drinks later. Would you like to join us?

[i-message; o; **don't answer** ] sorry nagito but i'm really tired. go ask someone else.

[i-message; o; **don't answer** ] the shady bars that fuyuhiko frequents terrify me. why can't we just get izayoi to buy us a bottle of gin and drink in our dorms?

[i-message; i; **don't answer** ] I find them charming! Get some rest Kazuichi.

He then silenced his phone and tossed it away from his bed, cringing when he heard it hit the wall, opting to focus on controlling his breathing rather than letting Nagito Komaeda bother him into an ill-advised night out. He lay there like that, counting his breaths, face pressed into the mattress for he-didn't-know-how-long, ignoring his phone vibrating incessantly across the room until a knock came to his door.

"Watcha want?" he shouted, unsure if he wanted to pull himself from the messy nest he'd found an iota of comfort in. It was probably just Nagito trying to get him to come out.

"I am entering your domain, Tamer of Automatons!" A familiar, deep voice announced before letting himself in. He'd given Gundham his spare key- not so he could let himself in, but because he tended to lose small things like keys and ID cards.

He sat up, feeling his hair fall out of his hat and stand up on end a hundred different ways. He probably looked pathetic. Gundham came into view and the mechanic went back under his blankets.

"What's up?" He asked. "I was just taking a nap."

"I am inclined to believe that you were not asleep, my paramour. In fact, I am inclined to believe that you have not slept recently at all.” Gundham announced. "You would not have been aroused so easily, as you tend to sleep through even the most monumentous events."

Souda shifted uncomfortably, unimpressed with Gundham's intrusion, but silently glad he'd arrived without being asked. If he was here of his own free will, obviously he was not upset or bothered-- yet.

"My Four Dark Devas of Destruction and I concur that you are not well based on your actions today. It is unlike you to be so.... soft-spoken. And you have been ignoring my attempts at electronic communication for quite some time. " He glanced aside and noticed his boyfriend’s phone still buzzing away on the floor with notification reminders.

It occured to the smaller boy that Gundham was struggling with his words- he was being quieter than usual, and speaking slower too. He tended to drop some of the verbosity when he was trying to express his feelings, which didn't happen often.

"I'm fine, I'm just a little anxious, is all. Got a lot on my mind." The pink-haired boy replied, running a hand through his hair to tame it before receding back into the covers rather dramatically.

"How can one assist you with this... anxiety, my Dark Consort?" Gundham asked, approaching the bed where Souda was entirely covered save for a shock of neon hair sticking out from the end of the large pile of sheets and blankets. He ran a bandaged hand through the hair, gently detangling it, and the pile of blankets stirred slightly. Souda poked his head out further.

"I don't want to bother ya, really, it's no big deal."

"Hm. Bothering me has never been a problem before, what has changed?"

The mechanic winced.

“I care about ya now. Really, I'm ridiculous. You shouldn't see me like this. Just lost in my mind."

The Four Dark Devas chirped and stirred and Gundham nodded, as if he understood what they were trying to tell him, and he left the room without saying a word. He was just going to put his hamsters into their domiciles so he could spend some time alone with his boyfriend, but he didn't clue the other in on that.

Souda all at once, let a sob he’d been holding in wrack through his body, burning his eyes and making his lungs feel hollow- it was the kind of cry that knocks the breath out of someone. He didn't even know why he felt this way- some days he was fine, other days he could lose himself in his work, but days like today he just felt like absolute shit and couldn't even be bothered to want to breathe. It was horrible and obnoxious for everyone involved, and it absolutely drained him. He wasn't even scared of anything in particular. Just... scared. In general- a constant anxiety thrummed through him and he felt like the world was going to end and he'd be left alone, the lone sinner left to walk among the mess man left behind.  
  
The blankets and the sound of his own breathless crying muffled the sound of Gundham returning. This time he was without his animals, and he had shed his coat and his scarf to prevent overheating- his boyfriend had a tendency to leave the heat on all year. Without a word the breeder climbed up into Souda's bed (which was raised quite high to allow for under-bed storage of a tool organizer and some engine parts) and let himself under the blankets.

Kazuichi's breath hitched as he felt a cold arm wrap around him, and another's breath, warm on his neck.

"I'm truly sorry you feel that my dark powers are inadequate to solve your problems, my Paramour." Gundham said quietly. He felt all of his boyfriend’s tense muscles loosen at once. "But rest assured I am here for whatever it is I **can** assist with."

Souda's mind, despite the immediate comfort, began to race at incredible speed.  
__  
_What is he doing?_  
_Am I clearly that needy and touch starved? How pathetic._  
_I need to stop crying, this is so ridiculous._  
  
He took a deep shaky breath.

"I'm sorry, babe. You don't have to do this, I know you don't-"  
  
"It is true, I fear the touch from my hands would bring a more common man to his knees. No mortal man could survive the poison that I bear. You however, it seems, are immune to my poison. In fact, perhaps it's because you are poisoned already."

  
Souda tensed up slightly.  
  
"I'm poisonous?-- I- I'm sorry, if ya-"  
  
"No, fear not, my Dark Consort. I said it seems you are _poisoned._ Your aura is one of a fearful child. I am unsure of what you fear but know that my familiars and I will protect you if it costs me my mortal form. If being close to you was not something I desired, I would not grace you with my presence.  Would you like to discuss what is bothering you so much?"  
  
Souda frowned, his face flushing hot. If you told him four months ago that he'd be so desperate for Gundham Tanaka's approval and so grateful for his affection, he'd probably smack you.

"No. Not right now- right now, I-" his voice trailed off for a moment. "I- can you do something for me?"

As it often did, his mouth went faster than his brain, and his heart felt like it was hammering in his chest waiting for the other's reply.

"Of course, Beloved One." Gundham spoke quietly, the quietest Souda had ever heard him, actually. He became aware all at once that the other was being rather sympathetic and caring, something he was only acutely aware Gundham had the capability of doing.. He bit back a ‘ _nevermind’_ and decided to go further with his request despite everything in his brain telling him that he was going to upset the other if he continued being so absolutely pathetic.

A sharp exhale he released before speaking made Kazuichi realize he had been holding his breath.

"I need you to like, lay directly on top of me. I need to be like, weighed down. I feel like... I don't know, it's stupid."

Gundham shifted slightly, getting hot under the mass of blankets. He figured the other was trying to use them all to simulate the weight of another person. The breeder had heard of this behavior briefly in his studies, but was unaware that his consort struggled with such things. He’d had hints: poorly hidden prescription bottles, brief temper tantrums followed by near-immediate apologies, glimpses of small toys used to calm one’s hands- but it seemed uncouth to pry into the other’s medical history without cause. Gundham was, admittedly, not well versed in mortal humans and the mental ailments they may incur.

“It is not _stupid_.” Gundham replied quietly. He sat up, tossing a bunch of blankets and sheets aside. Souda bit the inside of his mouth at the loss of warmth and contact, and turned so he was laying on his back, letting his hair stay into his face to prevent the other from seeing his tear-stained eyes.

Gundham looked at the other who was still entirely dressed, boots and all. He moved slightly, maneuvering himself to the end of the bed to help Souda remove his shoes. The mechanic fidgeted slightly, but didn’t protest.

“Please, My Love, get comfortable. I do not plan on leaving until I feel entirely assured that you are well again.” Gundham said, leaving the bed briefly to turn off Souda's music and shed his own shoes and socks. 

Souda bit his lip. He was unsure if the other knew that he’d never really be entirely _well-_ he just felt better or worse occasionally. That was a discussion to be had, but maybe not right now. He kicked his socks off and pulled his pillows from the mass of linens that lay on the very end of the bed.

He got comfortable and watched the other intently as he moved about the bed, straightening the sheets. He took slow, calming breaths, feeling grateful for Gundham’s presence. He wondered what the breeder was thinking- he knew that this kind of behavior could ultimately be intimidating, which is why he tried so hard to hide it all of the time.

Gundham then, slowly and carefully brought himself down on top of the Mechanic, laying his head just below Souda’s neck and letting out a slow breath. He could hear the other’s rapid heartbeat when he flattened his ear against the muscles in the mechanic’s chest. He entangled their legs and let out a content sigh. After a moment, the mechanic brought his hand up from his side and placed it very gently in Gundham’s hair, dragging his thumb through it lazily.

They were quiet for a while. It felt like eternity to Souda, who was used to running his mouth at high speeds at all times. Finally though, he spoke up.

“Thank you.” He said, quietly, finally feeling like he’d been grounded. He also, all at once, felt tired. Exhausted, actually, like he’d been hit by a truck.

“I do not know, my Dark Prince, why you do not share your problems with me. I have not chosen bare my soul and share a path with a mortal such as yourself for appearances only.” Gundham said, glancing up at the other’s face as best he could from where he was laying.

Souda sighed- that was a loaded topic. Gundham had literally no concept of _there is a time and a place for everything._

“There are some things...” Souda paused for a moment, chewing on his words. “... some things about me that tend to turn people off. Most people aren’t looking for a _project_ when they get into a relationship. I don’t want you to run away just because I’m crazy.”

Gundham huffed. There was a long pause.

‘Kazuichi, you are not **_crazy_** and I wish I could rain fire upon the cretins who have made you think that way about yourself.  You are simply… more sensitive to the energies that you are exposed to. I have sensed these… _differences_ you are referring to and I have no problem with helping you so long as **I** am not your only coping mechanism. My evil powers can only go so far.” He wished he could say more, but this was uncharted territory for him. Romance at all was, actually, and caring for someone so deeply and feeling so full of sorrow for another person’s sake was **entirely** new.

Souda’s breath caught in his throat, he was unsure he had ever heard Gundham call _anyone_ by their given name, let alone himself. One look down at the other and he could see he was flustered. He replied with a short, thoughtful hum, and then shifted underneath the other just slightly, pulling a blanket over their bodies.

“I apologize for being so candid.” Gundham said.

“No.. don’t-” Kazuichi yawned, drawing out his word momentarily. “-don’t be sorry. I appreciate it. ‘M sorry I’ve been so secretive. I-” there was a long pause where Souda debated the next words out of his mouth heavily, his pride and his heart battling intensely. “I love you, Gundham. I really do. And I’m shit at showing it but I appreciate you.”

Gundham smiled.

“I love you too, Beloved One.”

Souda smiled, and was going to reply, but quickly fell asleep as his mind slowed from an agonizing constant to a content, sleepy lull. Gundham could’ve left, but he didn’t, content to soak in the other’s warmth and enjoy the quiet for a while, ensuring that his partner actually _slept_ for once.

 

He said a silent prayer to the Dark Gods that perhaps his beloved would feel more himself in the morning before dozing off himself.

**Author's Note:**

> pls for the love of god leave me a comment it validates me as a human being.


End file.
